Have you ever met someone that didn’t have levels for different things? I mean everything is a level 1 or a level 9 with no middle option. Well, I married one of those people and I bet you can guess which number she is stuck on based on the question. Yep, Frenulum is always on 9.
She is an amazing person and I honestly love her with all of my being. That being said, I wish she had degrees of importance. I don’t mean this to be offensive or hurt anyone’s feelings trust and believe. I know there are a few people that would say it might be better if I had more of a motor and more enthusiasm; more motivation to get up and go. I will say, in my defense, I have had less energy in the last few years due to my undiagnosed (and therefore untreated) sleep apnea, but Frenulum “made” me go for a sleep study and now I sleep with a super sexy CPAP machine and I feel like a new man. I am a new man of 50, but a new man none the less. I have more energy and less “leave me the hell alone” than I have had in my entire life. That being said, I would love nothing better than to continue my pursuit of “doing nothing” for one weekend-an entire weekend- without being asked “How is your day of doing nothing going? Are you ready to go to Home Depot (or fill in the store/ errand of your choice)?”
My wife works for the second largest bank in the US (this is actually inaccurate unless you refer to data from over 4 years ago, but I enjoy using outdated information to try to provoke my loving wife) and is a hard worker. She has raised 7 kids, mostly by herself, and I respect her swag in a big bad way. Of late she has taken to driving Uber in her spare time from said job, kid raising, new house buying and furnishing and new husband training. She wakes up most days @4am or so and drives before work. She then comes home to make sure the kids are off to school and then heads to her office. She leaves late in the afternoon and more often than not, drives for an hour or two before coming home and cooking dinner, helping with homework, and making fun of various and asundry “asshats” from either bank or Uber and starts the cycle anew the next day.
(Just as a side note; I read my progress to this point to my baby and she, with a look of righteous indignation on her adorable face, said “I don’t think I am at a 9. I think that is a complete mischaracterization of the situation” That, true believers, is why she is a level 9… muwhahahahahahahhaha)
How about a few examples Steve you say? Well, don’t mind if I do.
1. We got the approval to move into our new house (a 2900 square foot McMansion in Chandler Arizona that you will probably never get to visit, let alone stay the night in…second muwhahahahahaha) on a Friday @ 3:30. We had the entire house moved with the exception of the stuff we couldn’t fit in my truck or her (not so) mini-van, but 9:30 that evening. The rest was all done by noon the next day, and the house was completely set up and ready for Sunday dinner and the ritualistic “GO CARDINALS” chant Sunday @1. My baby just said “(hashtag) efficiency” and drank a “safety Coke”. This is what my baby calls it because “Having it here and consuming it whenever I want allows the rest of you all to live in safety”. We all lived to see another sunrise. (as an aside, 2 weeks before the house move she sent me to Texas for a 4 day, 3 night visit with my best friend “LucasFilmLimited”. This served two purposes. A) I got to see my friend and spend some much needed time recharging my depleted battery away from the kids and animals. B) It allowed her to work straight thru packing and organizing away from the unrelenting bitchfest that is me during the pre-move packing. She had the entire house packed when she picked me up from the airport.
2. This past weekend I had arranged to help a friend with moving some furniture. I like this person a lot and was happy to help, but I really might never get a truck again because no one ever asked the middle aged guy with the Corvette to help them transport a dresser across county lines. Just sayin’. We also were having a new dishwasher delivered because the old one was called “The Re-Tardis” by my wife. The reference is to the time machine used by Doctor Who, The Tardis, being bigger on the inside and our dishwasher, somehow, being smaller on the inside. #shegetsme. I had to remove the old one before going to help my friend. I also watched 5, count them, 5 YouTube videos on how to install a dishwasher and avoid the many pitfalls others have faced themselves. I told my wife I would be home as soon as possible and would install it when I got home. (aside #2: We had tickets to see Jay Mohr, another comedy icon I was blessed with tickets to see, that night at 7. To be there at 7 we needed to leave @5. Foreshadowing: didn’t happen). When I texted while driving, using Siri I assure you, to ask if the machine was delivered I was told the installation was almost complete. I was told she and her oldest, the future chemical engineer, were just about ready to test run that baby. Not having seen the same videos I did in preparation for the installation, and not being wired to allow herself to relax and enjoy a quiet afternoon luxuriating on the new couches in the McMansion, patiently awaiting the triumphant return of your hero, Frenulum and #1 daughter fell hip-deep in the quagmire of pitfalls I mentioned. Long story short, most of the things I spent undoing for the next day were the aforementioned pitfalls. #inefficiency.
(Frenulum is editing this and would like to point out that this is an inaccurate representation of what happened. But- if it makes me feel better, she will go with it)
3. Every Sunday we do a family breakfast. Most days we all have cereal and if you are a follower of this blog you are aware of my propensity to enjoy a sugary cereal in the morning. Sunday is always a production, and I look forward to this. I love the way, since I arrived here, the family all sits together and the TV is paused or turned off completely, in stark contrast to the eating in front of the TV on the couch that they use to enjoy so much. #upgrade. #levelup. #hashtag. LOL. This weekend was no exception. When breakfast was done my wife relocated to the new couch. I walked in, still wearing my gym short I sleep in, having added an old ratty t-shirt so as to not have anyone loose said breakfast at seeing me naked. I have sleep crud still in my eyes and haven’t brushed my teeth or washed the night before off my body and she asks, “So, are you ready to go”? Go where, you might have asked. To buy trees to plan t in the yard of the new house because she “wasn’t feeling” the old one out front. I had forgotten she dispatched one of the 7 to remove the tree the day before during, what I loving refer to as the “dishwasher debacle of 2015”. We have been in the new house a grand total of 3 weeks and my wife, the rolling stone attempting to ensure she “catches no moss”, is rolling. We didn’t buy a tree that day, but only because we are looking at a bill of about $1300 to complete this little transaction, that is now a 3 tree package. #slowyourroll. #ipromiseyouitcanwaitafewweeks. #Ikillallplants #whythehellamIhastaggingsomuch?
I will end tonight by saying I did remember about halfway through I never mentioned the details of how I became Mr. Steve Rogers and Frenulum made an honest man out of me. I will get to it at some point, but this just seemed to flow from my chubby little sausage fingers as they sang across the keyboard of my laptop. I guess you could say I was driven to write this little tome about my beloved. Baby, as you read this to help an undereducated brother out with editing his random brain droppings, please take this in the spirit it was intended. (and by that I mean to say it is from the heart and with all sincerity that I tell you I love our life, our family and my walking heart with two feet (I am talking about you in case that wasn’t obvious) with every fiber of my being, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it
Awesome blog! You found your Queen and I can see how much you love her, I saw your excitement when you told me about her last week, she is awesome
Awesome blog! You found your Queen and I can see how much you love her, I saw your excitement when you told me about her last week, she is awesome
🙂