So it has been a while since I just scrapped the brain pan clean like an old, weathered cookie sheet before you cook for others and want to make a good impression. I think I am due.
• Why is it I sound like Adam Levine when I sing but only if the music is loud enough? I know he is slightly better looking, but I can hit those high notes too. The struggle is real people.
• I have been told I exhibit a total lack of apathy. I cannot let little things be little and big ones be big. I have similarly been told to not ask follow up questions of the children. Those were two things I am going to struggle with for a little while (and will probably write about in greater detail in the near future), but I often say “Feedback is like an ugly sweater from your grandmother. You either embrace it and wear that shit or stick it in the back of the closet and let it rot. You just don’t let her know which you’ve chosen. ” The struggle is real people.
• I have learned that there are four meals in a day: Breakfast, lunch, SNACK and dinner. I was first introduced to this new meal when Hulk Smash, quite possibly the angriest and maybe misunderstood 7 year old on the planet, asked her mom, “What’s for snack?”, not to be confused with “we didn’t have snack today” which is often heard when I try to be apathetic to their plight at not having “snack”. Not a snack, but simply snack. The struggle is real people.
• I was recently informed that we will never be eating at Cracker Barrel since it is “all slavey” and should just go away. Slavey, not to be confused with being “all rapey” like our old female dog is when she holds down the new kittens with one of her front paws and attempts to hump them. The struggle is real people.
• I recently bought an X-Box One, upgrading from an almost ten year old game system. I had it in my bedroom upstairs for the first week or so but moved it downstairs so the kids would leave the room. I now find myself resenting that I cannot play when I want and that everyone can beat me at Mortal Kombat X, including both 7 year olds. I have bought games I really want to play, but fear the judgmental snickers of the children, and I also feel badly since playing would take away the only TV they have access to. First world problems. I am even contemplating purchasing a second system so I can play whenever I want. The struggle is real people.
• I have written about my addiction to sugary cereals in the past. Since merging households with Frenulum there are 3 cereal containers in the cabinet and those are where the “currently available” cereals reside. One is currently filled with 2 month old Raisin Bran Crunch. I feel like a detainee in Guantanamo and not being allowed to pray in the manner I was raised. Recently I asked for Captain Crunch and was given a look of displeasure because it was not currently on sale. We purchased a couple boxes but I only got to enjoy the Captain one time before he departed down the gullets of the children. The struggle is real people.
• My love has given me numerous reading assignments. One was “The Fault in our Stars” which I finished while enjoying a tasty lunch prepared by the sandwich artisans at Chick-fil-a, and I cried like a silly, heartbroken school girl. I next tried to read “The Secret Life of Bees” and “To Kill A Mockingbird”, which were both failures of epic proportions. I was then assigned the less uplifting but quite possibly the sickest and funniest book in years, “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”, which I highly recommend. I assigned her a series of books about a gorgeous female serial killer and her tortured (quite literally) paramour, the detective charged with her capture. I am without any depth whatsoever. The struggle is real people.
• There is something about summer vacation that turns (somewhat) normal children into unrelenting pains in the rear end. Some decide that the boredom is too much to bear and carve their last name in the new $1600 table. Others lower the temperature on the refrigerator to 48 degrees in what I assume was a bored attempt to create a new level of punishment from Frenulum, and still others take to hibernation during the daylight hours like vampires of old (not these shitty, smarmy glittery things kids call vampires) and mostly come out to sulk and act all sullen and disgruntled with their lot in life when the sun goes down. One went so far as to mention “I hate when the maid (the part I heard in my head was “That I don’t deserve or appreciate”) comes to clean and we are here. It makes me feel weird.” The struggle is real people.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
With the availability of websites to give you a heads up on what will be on sale, and eBay to buy the needed coupons, there is never an excuse for paying more than around a buck per box of cereal , sugary or otherwise. I would be happy to give you and Fren a crash course.