So I started dating an amazing Lady. (She is actually named after the wife in Gone Girl, but since I never use real names here I will call her Frenulum.) Google it, I’ll wait. That’s right; I named her after the connective tissue that connects the tongue to the inside of your mouth. I call her that because on our second date, when we were exploring each other’s mouths’, as adults that are fond of each other are oft to do, this young lady was so into yours truly that she tore mine by the most aggressive kissing session I have ever experienced. I will explain later, I promise. The thing is she has kids. I have none. I have been married twice for a total of 26 years, a close call that turned out to be a total fabrication to try to get papers on your hero, but I have none. She has lots of kids. I mean more than the Brady family…and I love them all. All seven of them. SEVEN!!!!!!!
I met Frenulum online. Shut up naysayers. I can hear the groaning in my head. “But Steve, didn’t you meet all the crazy ones online”. I did not. I met #1 in a Domino’s Pizza restaurant (if it can be called that) in Ft. Lauderdale and I married her. I met the holiday girl, named such because her name is an actual holiday (and I promised I wouldn’t write about her so I will stop there) at work. I did also meet a metric ton of crazy of all shapes, races and sizes (not a weight reference I assure you) online, and I am aware of the best indicator of future behavior is past activity. I am, after all, the shepherd. Whatever. I am a hopeless romantic and I am supremely happy.
I will start back at the first date and move forward. We went to BJ’s Brewhouse at the Chandler Mall. She was late. I hate late, but she was beautiful and came bearing gifts, so she was forgiven immediately. Homemade gifts at that. Homemade caramel gifts. I wasn’t her man yet, but somehow she knew the way to my heart was through my sweet tooth. She was late, not sure if I mentioned that or not, but it was because of a Girl Scout meeting that ran long. I found out that she was a den mother, or scout goddess or whatever the actual title of the leader of a bunch of cookie selling urchins is, and all I could think was SAMOAS. Thin Mints are most people’s favorite, but those people are wrong and that leaves more coconut, caramel and chocolaty cookie goodness for me.
The night ended early and there wasn’t as much as a good night kiss. I was sure she was not interested, as is often the case with me. I am not playing “Woe is me”; history will bear me out in this assertion. I decided to throw caution to the wind and ask her if she wanted to watch a UFC fight the next night with me at my place. She accepted. I think we might have had pizza before the fight, but I might be remembering this wrong. All I know is by the end of the night I was bleeding from the mouth and the Frenulum was torn. WOOHOO!!!!!!!
The next thing I will say is she is the kindest, most giving person on the entire planet, bar none. The relationship this one replaced, the year and a half mistake, was only over for weeks when I started seeing Frenulum. Time isn’t the measure it might be because that relationship was dying for a long time, I just fought the good fight for way longer than anyone else would have in my same position. Trust me, one day I will write that story, but not yet. I want to stay in my happy place. The reason I say Frenulum is amazing is she gave me the single best birthday present ever, my best friend.
The weeks before my birthday she asked me what I wanted. I explained as I always do when asked what to get me that I am fine. I don’t want for anything, ever. If I want something, I get it or I get over it. Not bragging, it is just the case. I like taking care of myself every once in a while, sue me. Frenulum was not satisfied with the answer and asked for my best friend, (not sure what I am to call her anymore. It used to be CBP, but that no longer applies. Maybe AllyKat will work, but that is too close to her real name to be ok. Oh, did I forget to tell you my best friend was a girl? An amazing, beautiful, awesomely caring girl that means the world to me) AllyKats contact information so she could “ask her advice for ideas of something to get me”. I gave it to her as I knew AllyKat would tell her the same thing, and all would be good. In a few days, as we sat on my couch in my apartment, Frenulum asked why my guest room was such a disaster and had no room for a guest at all. Long story short the entire room was cleaned out and she decided I needed a guest bed “in case someone ever decided to visit”. Can you see where this is going? Being a man and therefor simple, I did not. I declined the bed and a small disagreement ensued. Small and not really a disagreement to be honest, but we had a fun, snarky back and forth in a mattress store that still makes me smile when I thing about it.
The week of my birthday she asked me what I wanted for my birthday dinner. I told her one of my favorite meals ever is meatloaf. Make all the faces you want, I love it and you can get bent…lol. She told me that Thursday, two days before my actual birthday, would be the best night to make it. I was to come over after work and dinner would be ready for me with the entire family, minus one, as the oldest had to work that night. Between you and me I don’t think that one likes me very much anyway, so it might be better that way. I came and dinner was great. As soon as we finished she told me we needed to go to the airport to pick up her sister, who was coming in to town a few days early for a work trip to visit with the family. I tried to beg off but with the meal sitting in my stomach, and a happy, fat boy smile across my face, I didn’t push too hard. Off to the airport we went. Can you see where this is going?
We got to the airport and walked to the arrivals area. We were surrounded by dozens of people with flags and banners of welcome to America and the like. It looked like a meeting of the most non-ethnically diverse group in the history of time. They were all white, upper-middle to upper income group and not a single ethnicity other than that. Stepford families and creepy as all heck to be sure. We also saw John McCain come walking out and he was met by his daughter. He was all alone and we both wondered aloud why the man that was one mistakenly chosen VP candidate away from the highest office in the world was traveling without any security, but we didn’t dwell on that for very long because Frenulum advised her sister was almost to the gate and we should stand up and look for her. My first thought was how I was supposed to find someone that I had never seen in my life in a crowd, but I kept that to myself.
We stood and I watched person after person come walking out. I saw Frenulum’s face register a huge smile and I followed her gaze and saw the woman she locked eyes with. I was taken right away with how much her sister looked like my AllyKat. I saw her sister look my way and start towards us. She locked eyes with me and I heard “SteveySteve” (actually she called me by my real name, but I am editing it because I can) and I began to cry. Frenulum had booked AllyKat, who I hadn’t seen face to face since we left New York a couple years before, a flight to Arizona for my birthday. When I say I cried, I mean it. It was like Old Yeller crying. I held her so hard she had to tell me to let go. There is video of this moment, but it is for us alone. You wouldn’t want to see it anyway. (I will tell you, with no concern for my ego or image, I am crying as I write this.) I was the happiest man in the world and also the luckiest ever. When Frenulum saw me cry and I told her how amazing she was she simply said “You deserve to be treated like you matter. I am happy that every woman in your past has made it possible for me to be the first.” I cried again.
I am going to stop there as this story of my Frenulum is ongoing. This is the first time I have written about a relationship while it was ongoing. I have high hopes for this one. I don’t want to jinx it, but I am happier than I have been…ever. Oh, by the way, we are moving in together as I post this. WhatWhat.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it……