A while ago I wrote a set of rules for men to follow in a public restroom. While it might be time to get the world at large onboard with that, I think a more pressing issue is to get everyone onboard with a set of movie rules. These should absolutely go without saying, which is why I am having to say them. Get onboard!
These are in no particular order as to me, they are all equally important. Feel free to adopt these immediately and share them with those you hate. (Your loved ones should already be onboard or you shouldn’t love them anymore. Just my opinion.)
Leave your child (Google the definition if you are unclear) home or in the free (or a small fee) service they offer in most larger theatres. I am sure you feel we all want to share in the teething or colic event your lovely spawn is currently experiencing, but you are wrong. And if your child is of an age where teething isn’t an issue, but is still young enough that they still need assistance when they make a BM, don’t bring them to an R rated movie. Also, PG-13 means that human beings under the age of 13 probably shouldn’t be in attendance.
Feel free to sneak snacks into the theatre with you. (I certainly do) Feel free to not bring a foot long Subway sandwich with you into the theatre. The smell of your tilapia dish you brought with you, or a lovely crab cake burrito, isn’t what we all signed up for. The rule of thumb should be if it smells, eat it in your house.
If you have some form of disease (Ebola, syphilis or the common cold) stay home. If a movie is worth seeing its time in the theatre will last longer than a cycle of antibiotics.
This is something that the theatres have even had an ass-full of but STAY OFF YOUR CELL PHONE!!!!! If you are so important that the world needs to have your tweets or status updates, go outside the theatre.
It is ok to talk quietly to the person next to you that didn’t get the intricacies of the latest superhero opus. It is not ok to have a conversation where you are heard louder that the THX or Dolby digital sound coming out of the $60,000 sound system the theatre invested in. Conversely, if you are too stupid to understand that the person next to you probably hasn’t see the movie already and lacks the necessary insight to answer, “Why did he do that?”, go home and watch a Keeping Up The Kardashian’s marathon. To be blunt, SHUT UP!
Pee before the movie begins. If you are among the acorn bladdered you know this about yourself. Don’t get the giant tanker sized Diet Coke and waittil the middle of the movie to step on my flip flopped toes while you slide your gigantic ass in front of me during the car chase scene in Fast 12. Pick an aisle seat so as to not disturb the rest of us,or get a catheter.
If you have seen the movie already, like I have been known to do on the occasional Transformer of Batman flick, don’t say the lines along with the actors on the screen. No one likes you. Just stop breathing, or walk into traffic, and save the rest of us from having to ask for your death.
Shower before you come and use a deodorant/antiperspirant. Also don’t use perfume/cologne to cover your stench. We can still smell you.
Please say you are sorry if you slam your humungous hips into my popcorn bag. Also, the movie times are published in the newspaper, online at Fandango, or the Flixter app on your mobile device. Don’t come in after the movie has begun with your 17 person party and expect to find seats. And just to be clear YES THESE SEATS ARE TAKEN.
Lastly, most movies now have a scene during or after the credits. Either wait for it or get out of my way because I stayed in my damn seat because I wanted to see it…not you blocking the screen.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.