Don’t pretend

                                                                Time, Time ,Time,

                                                            see what’s become of me
                                                     While I looked around for my possibilities.

                                                              I was so hard to please.
                                                                       Look around,
                                                                    Leaves are brown,
                                                         And the sky is a hazy shade of winter.

Don’t pretend it’s just me…..

• When you see a guy walking with his chest all puffed out, head held high, walking with a female at least one or two steps above him on the hotness scale and carrying a tray of food, you wish he would trip.

• When you see a girl with a summer length dress and high heels walk briskly past you and you pray for a giant breeze.

• When you see a woman with a lot of tattoos and piercings and you giggle thinking what she will look like as a grand mother, and trying to explain how it all started with an under the influence bet and then the addiction took hold.

• When you see someone filling their plate with a gigantic mound of salad like the mashed potato sculpture in Close Encounters, drowning it in Ranch dressing and salt and then thinking they are eating healthy. You know you want it; just get the bacon cheddar burger, dude.

• When you see the kids wearing the pants falling off their torso and the boxers pulled up high and they don’t know that it is an old prison signal for “I am a catcher and open to you sticking it in my rear.

• When you see a kid staring at you and their parent is otherwise engaged. I always want to stick my tongue out at them or jump like a am going to leap across the space between us and smack them and they cry.

• When you hear a guy talking to a girl and he is treating her like a greasy pizza box and you wish the girl had enough self respect to slap him and walk away or do an old school movie move and throw her drink in his face.

• When you see a crappy movie in the theatre and you feel like you are owed something like your money back, but we don’t feel the same way with a video rental or on-demand.

• When we feel totally justified with sneaking candy into the movie theatre but we make a face like someone sharted when we see the person in front of us pull out a Subway $5 Footlong out of their backpack as the lights are dimming.

• When you hear someone with a British accent we automatically assume intelligence and Orchestra music but when we hear a southern accent we assume ignorance and Country music. The exception is a Cockney accent like Sharon and Ozzy Osborn. Horrible.

• When you watch a movie like Scarface on the USA Network and it is edited to death we get mad, cursing at the television, but we cannot stop watching and waiting for the next horrible edit to happen so we can get mad at the poor word choice of the editor.

• When you hear a song by Adele or Alanis Morissette and you wish there was a girl that felt that way when you were no longer together but not so much that you are reminded of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Boiled rabbit stew anyone?

• When you work in an office and someone thinks themselves clever when they ask you if you got the memo about the cover sheets we are going to start putting on the TPS Reports and you want to staple their face with your red Swingline stapler.

• When you see someone with their tits sticking out so much you swear you see the beginnings of the nipple or pants/shorts so tight that they have camel toe and you can’t stop looking. Kind of like when they tell you not to look straight at a solar eclipse or someone beating their child in public, but you can’t stop staring…and they catch you.

When you no longer live in a place but have friends that still do, and they post on Facebook about some cool local event they are all attending and you are sitting in your boxers watching a Criminal Minds marathon, eating microwave popcorn and gummy bears while secretly hoping that the skies open up and there is a tremendous downpour on these people’s outdoor event that they would be perfectly happy if you were there with them, but you chose to move because you thought you had met “the one” for the 3rd time in your life but it turns out you were wrong AGAIN…WOW, I really need to work on my anger management issues. Love you my Jax friends. I swear this isn’t about you (even though it is totally about you. Lol).

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it…