Whatis that old saying about grass and its color?
“Never mind
I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me I beg
I remember you said
‘Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.’
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah. ”
I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me I beg
I remember you said
‘Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.’
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah. ”
I am going to make going to write about some of the ladies I have dated in this little ditty of mine today. If you are offended, fuck off. I mean that in the nicest possible way I assure you. Maybe I should say procreate with yourself in another place? Better? Good, now that they are diddling themselves in the other room I can begin.
I have been married two times. I won’t call them failed relationships…let’s just say I didn’t complete the vow I took to Love, Honor and Obey till Death Do Us Part. Since #2 and I parted ways I have been in a series of relationships that I won’t call failures. Let’s call them unsuccessful couplings of people on the journey of life. Some lasted longer than others. Days, weeks, months, some as short as hours. Some ended by my choice while others were cut short by the other in the “relationship”. Some I am glad ended and others still sting a little when I am being 100% honest. Regrets? I’ve had a few. But the grass was not greener.
I will list a few of the ones I can remember in no particular order. If you are reading this and we went out and you feel slighted because I left you out please return to the first paragraph and follow the direction there. We will miss you….NOT!!!! Actually if you are not listed it is because 1) I am forgetful 2) I chose to exclude you for you own sake 3) I didn’t think people would laugh at you like I want them to or I simply don’t care enough about you ti immortalize you in my ramblings. Pick one and move on with your life. It isn’t that important. Well, maybe it is, but too bad.
· There was one lady who was too tan. She looked like cured leather and all she talked about was more tanning and Adam Sandler.
· There was the lady that was mad at me because after 2 hour of sitting across the table from me I had yet to look at her boobs. (I looked but didn’t get caught…hehe) She stopped me mid sentence and told me she was getting really pissed because I hadn’t looked yet. I kept eye contact the entire time she was chastising me. She pulled her shirt tighter and down exposing her ample cleavage and told me to look. I obliged her for about 3 seconds, looked back into her eyes and told her they were very nice. She told me I was wrong and that they were amazing, but she would take very nice for now. I did get to see them and more later that afternoon and they were pretty amazing. I never saw her after that afternoon…much to my dismay…and I still don’t know why.
· There was the lady that looked like Peter Brady in a turtle neck shirt and long sleeve shirt in the summer on the beach. A long story and I think I have told it a million times. If enough ask for it I might actually put it down on paper (sort of) and get my first POF.COM experience out there for your enjoyment.
· There was the lady that saw dead people. I shit you not. This isn’t even why we stopped before it really got started, but that is a story I am not ready to tell yet.
· There was the Top Top Bottom lady. She was into being smacked so hard on her boobs it left bruises and the TTB reference is to her smacking me on my member…at the top twice and then once at the bottom. The top was scary, but not without its perverse pleasures. The bottom took my breath away and almost made me raise a hand to a lady.
· There was the lady (almost girl) that was my first after I separated from #2. She was 18 and had a kid that was almost 3 years old. For those of you making “that” face right now I didn’t pursue her…not that that makes it any better. I have not talked much about this but looking back it was not one of my finer moments.
· There was the lady that took waterless showers, refused to let her kids use straws, had a “Coupon” for everything and once told me she had a class of, and I quote, “retarded kids” that day. We had a long talk about how that word may have a clinical definition, but was still not socially acceptable.
· There was the lady that (because I agreed never to write about her I will leave this whole section blank…..and if you think this section is about you, it is).
· There was the lady that made me watch not one but 2 Tyler Perry movies because I “just don’t get how amazing his movies are”. If she didn’t have a world class ass I would have left before the DVD could be removed from the case. Never saw it sans-clothing, but it was a solid little muffin of happiness.
· There was the lady that, no matter what we had done earlier that night, would wake up at 2AM on the dot and tell me it was time to “take care of her”. She is also the one that taught me the 2 Finger Cul-De-Sac Technique, so those out there that have benefited from her training..Shout out to 2AM . WHAT WHAT????? (Google it and wish you could do it as good as I can)
· There was the lady that was a fitness model. She is still listed on Model Mayhem and no I wont tell you name…(unless you ask nicely), but I assure you she is real and was really hot even though her modeling ended a good 10 years before we met. If The Bruin or Bronx is reading this they saw her pictures. As Howard Stern would say…ewwwfahhhhhh.
· There was the lady that spoke with such a strong Spanish accent I couldn’t understand everything she said…and couldn’t care one bit. Never saw her naked either but I look at her Facebook pictures every once in a while and think about her calling me Papi.
· There was the lady that sat across from me and made fun of my faded orange shirt for about 15 minutes once I opened the door by mentioning how I was not really fond of it. Hope you enjoyed the most expensive meal anyone will ever buy you, byotch. And your book is not popular fiction, it is vampire porn.
· There was the one that was oblivious to the fact that the waiter came to our table about 75 times and stared down her shirt the entire time. She drank a bit more than I am use to but if you are reading this…Holla at ya boy. I want another shot…body shot.
· There was the lady I kept telling to try my meatloaf at dinner that raised her voice to tell me she was “HINDI, you dumb ass”. Guess who has 2 thumbs didn’t get a good night kiss after eating what might have been one of her relatives reincarnated? This Guy. Lol
· There was the lady that was a naughty nurse and broke me to pieces after only a few months. I was fragile to begin with, but that one hurt too much to make jokes about. She isn’t reading this so I will say aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa This section was written this small and not single striked through, but double striked through. I probably should remove it, but I am going to wait for an opinion or two. I then redacted the entire statement, but I wrote it and did it so I know what was there and you don’t…(Insert the sound of a raspberry fart noise here).
I think I will stop since it is time for The Voice and my lady parts are itching for Adam Levine. Don’t judge me…that is a pretty motha fucka. I might add to this list later or I might not. I also might delete this entire, ill conceived post. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
PS…I am posting this without a proofreader. If there are errors…ahhhh. I did it on purpose, yeah, that’s the ticket.
I love this song a lot. I hope you enjoy it as well. Eminem Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna
None of these were "failures" or "unsuccessful" – as they led you to the next experience. Or experiments.
But you are scaring me with some of these stories dude. Spanking the tallywhacker? Sounds like something from Porky's.
Did she practice the 2 Finger Cul-De-Sac on you first? Good reason why you are into Adam Levine 🙂
Hilarious.. 2 finger cul de sac.. I can only imagine but I will Google… this was one of ur funniest to date. I like the attitude… Lolt
Why are you "unknown"?
Rebuttal- I am requesting two retractions:
1. We do not take waterless showers- we take what are practically referred to as "Navy showers".
2. I am going over the CURRENT course offerings at UNF for a graduate degree in Special Education, and see the following course is offered:
EMR3011
Survey of Mental Retardation
A survey of factors related to the education of the mentally retarded. This course will focus on historical developments, causation, related concepts, educational considerations, and professional aspects.
So how can it be politically incorrect to refer to people, just like the ones I am already teaching, who are enrolled in a Special Education program, and meet the criteria for being mentally retarded, as "mentally retarded", as long as it in not done in a pejorative or disrespectful way?
Coupon, your request is denied. And to be specific…you just said you had a class of "retarded kids" , not mentally retarded which is a medical description as listed.
Lmao I guess my experience with online dating was like best possible scenario