FWB (part 2)

So I told you all I left but I didn’t tell you the mental debate that I was having before I did. I really didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay and I wanted a New Years kiss to start the year with a bang (a figure of speech, I assure you. As it turns out I almost started it with a bang of the kind you were thinking. YUCK). I am sure if I stayed I would be disappointed at midnight, but even though I knew the chance of the ever elusive kiss was a pipe dream where I was, a man can dream. I hate that I am writing this, by putting it out there it gives it a life of its own, but I decided when I started this I would not censor myself. There is a scene in the movie Private Parts where Howard Stern is telling his wife (movie wife anyway) that the only way he could be good at what he does is when he feels he is sharing too much and is about to stop, he needs to push open that door and let it all out. Fuck it. Kevin Smith, award winning writer and director once said, “Fortune favors the bold”. He then used his credit cards and borrowed every friend he had and he made the epic movie CLERKS. So fuck it, FFTB.

So I wanted to stay but I didn’t. I got a text from FWB asking if I was coming over. I looked around the party, kicked myself for being a social retard (here comes that low self esteem again. [not really. This is what is known as self effacement with the intent to suck the readers into cheering for the underdog.]), and text yes and ask for her address. Somehow the GPS took me right there and I wonder if this is a sign that I have not made a huge mistake. I assure you it was not. A sign that is. It was a mistake. A huge one. Epic even. So I get there and FWB is sitting in her living room and her daughter was in the recliner, laptop in her hands, iPod headphones in and drinking something from a juice box as I remember it. They were watching the Jersey Shore. I should have Snookied my way out of there. I didn’t. It was really quite a Situation.(get it? I turned Snookie into a verb and used Mike as…whatever.)

So I sat on the couch and I felt her kid eyeballing me. I kept looking up fast and catching her. It was weird. As I said in part one I had reached my 2 drink limit, and I am sure I was acting a little different that I was at dinner 5 hours before. I was being stared at by her daughter. I wanted to go back to the party and take my chances, but I thought I probably shouldn’t drive. The drinks were hitting me and I could feel my face getting all hot and red. I also was wondering if maybe I had a booger on my face the way the kid was looking at me. I must have been acting strange, because FWB asked me to step outside and asked me what my problem was. I told her I had no idea what she was talking about and she said I was acting “different” than I was at dinner. Well, duh!!!! Your friggin kid is eyeballing me like a fat kid looking at an unopened package of Peeps. Chocolate covered ones. They’re new, check em’ out. Creppy!

So we watch the ball drop and she tells her kid we are going to watch a movie. I am looking around for the den or family room when I realize she is talking about her bedroom. This might be interesting after all. No kiss at midnight, but maybe something to do with balls dropping after all. One can only hope. So we depart to the bedroom…which was about 5 feet from the living room. And with a flimsy hollow core door separating me from the creepy kid. This is gonna be fun. Yeah, right.

So we start watching the movie. We are laying in her bed and watching a movie. I start my patent pending move #4, laying in bed with an ok looking woman all horned up, a little liquored up and letting my hands roam all over her body and hoping she isn’t gonna stop me, move. Don’t use it. It doesn’t work. At least not for me. Maybe you should try it and let me know. I am open to adapting this move with input from others. Help me be a better me. PLEASE!!!!! 

Long story short I leave without even the aforementioned kiss, much less sticky parts(sorry to my sister for that one. You will have to watch quite a few episodes of celebutard dancing shows to remove that visual. My bad). I leave, have a couple more Captain Morgan & Coke’s before sending a couple drunken texts and falling asleep fully dressed, shoes and all. The next morning I send an equal amount of apology for the drunken texts, and hope my new found friends don’t judge me for my lack of judgment…or game. So I think I have another one and done. I am sort of wrong. She texts me a few days later.

She says she knows she sucks at dating. She said she doesn’t know why, but she cannot be in a relationship. She said she sucks at them. I agree. She then says we should be FWB(Google it. I had to). She said I didn’t have to buy her dinner or call the next day. I didn’t have to say nice things I really want to mean, but probably didn’t. She said we didn’t have to go to movies or bowling. All I had to do was have freaky sex with her whenever I wanted. I could do anything I wanted to and some things I had only seen in the tapes smuggled out of Abu Ghraib. All I had to do was say yes. I decided to see what the boundaries would be. I mentioned a few things I have heard about (not like I have seen them on an internet site like Bangbros.com or Brazzer.com or any such non work appropriate site of an adult nature. Not like that at all). She said she doesn’t want to talk about specifics, but suffice it to say I would not be disappointed. Somehow I doubted that very much.

I thought about it. What was the down side? A female willing to do just about anything I ever wanted, and some I am pretty sure are not legal since Sodom & Gomorrah. No strings. No meals!!! Oh, how many meals I have provided the hungry single females of Duval county in the last 10 months?(and just on a side note, you don’t get an appetizer, a main course of steak and lobster, a dessert and coffee and not put your hand down my pants. A man has to have standards.{If you are reading this, and we are currently or about to date, this is a joke. If you are reading this and we have dated, you also know this is a joke….unless you did it. Then it was awesome and I still wake up shouting your name some nights}) I also remember the scene on New Years Eve. I also saw the movie where Glenn Close boiled Michael Douglas’s bunny. She poured acid all over his car. She showed up in his house. She was nutso, and so was FWB. My co-worker, one of the kindest and simply funniest people I have ever met, nicknamed her SHANK-SHANK. That name was a keeper. So I chose to pass on the FWB. Don’t judge me too harshly. I still have her email address if you want it. I’m sure she is still willing.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it…      

I have decided to include a link to something I find hilarious each time going forward. If you have a cool link, send it to me and if I love it too, I might add it here. Till then, enjoy “Dick In A Box”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhwbxEfy7fg