FWB (part 1)

So it was coming up on New Years and I was in a little bit of a panic. Who wants to spend the night with Dick Clark (I am not going to make fun of him. I am afraid of karma. I will say it makes me sad he won’t just stop coming out every year. And Ryan Seacrest? Can he be a bigger suck up and ASS CLOWN? I don’t think so) counting backwards? Not this guy I can assure you. I did have a party I was going to but it was not that kind of party where I was going to get a kiss at midnight.

So I was fishing on the dating pond that is POF. I have told all who read this to avoid online dating numerous times. That being said I myself cannot seem to take my own advice. So I met FWB on the first. Her picture was shot from a camera phone and at the downward angle that most women seem to use more often that not. I have since been told by one of my coworkers that this is to hide the double chin and creates a slimming effect somehow. I now agree with him and have taken this as my new favorite camera angle. I will only be photographed from now on in my car (truck), from a downward angle and by a camera phone. So it has been written. So shall it be done. Let’s just say she was not exactly slim.

I know what EVERYONE of you is thinking. Tom, have you seen your reflection lately? Yes, I have. I more than most people am very aware of my physical being. I get it and I am working on it. But I don’t have my body type listed as AVERAGE anywhere. I am honest, and since it is one of my 2 rules, I really appreciate it in others. What I lack in slimness I make up for with my charming personality. NOT. (That is another example of the NOT joke Borat) She was a bigger woman, and by no means average body type, but I liked her on the phone enough to ask her to dinner, so we ate. Plus she talked about sex during dinner while our eyes were locked.

Creature of habit that I am we went to Mellow Mushroom. (I need to stray from my comfort zone a little more in the future. The staff at MM must think I am some kind of cereal killer, [spelt wrong on purpose Coupon. Don’t correct it] Captain Crunch to be exact, as they have never seen me with the same woman twice…either that or they know I suck at dating) She was very flirty during dinner, bordering on outright listing things she would and wouldn’t do and I know I shouldn’t have, but when she asked if I wanted to come over her house and watch the ball drop together, I agreed. Don’t judge me people. I am a man after all and this might shock you to hear but we don’t always make choices with the big head.

So we parted ways and I was already wishing I had declined her invitation. I have had a one night stand, dated a couple people I regret and probably a few that regret dating me, and I knew this would be another of those “What were you thinking?” moments, but I decided to let the early part of my night dictate the latter part. I was going to a party, and if I was having a good time, not even a chance of someone watching my balls drop, (I changed that line like ten times and that was the best of the worst. Sorry for the visual) I would bail on FWB. I know I have not explained the name yet, but all we need is just a little patience. (insert the whistling part of the GNR song here in your minds please. I tried to type it and failed miserably) I went home and took a nap I think because I was planning on a big night one way or the other. I also took another shower before leaving for the party. No sense in not having extra clean balls for the drop. (sorry again)

So I got lost on my way to the party. I apparently have a horrible sense of direction and my GPS on my Blackberry (since upgraded to the iPhone 4) was not much help. I called and a little birdie helped me get there. I had not been on this side of town at night time and was all twisted around. The house was pretty cool. There was a DJ, a pool table, multiple TV’s playing football (and you know how much I love football) and there was a fully stocked bar. I shot a couple games of pool with someone (I wont say her name and since we haven’t, and probably wont date, she doesn’t get a nick name) cheering for the other person the entire time. I am not a horrible pool player, but I always seem to choke when I have to call a pocket on the 8 ball. I also had a drink or two.

I was trying to get in the spirit of the evening. I am not a drinker, and no one was pushing it on me, but when you are asked a couple dozen times why you don’t drink, sometimes it is just easier to stop the questions. I am not an alcoholic. I have never been an alcoholic. I don’t like drunks. My brother in law (soon to be ex) is a fire fighter. He has told me too many stories about drunk drivers that walk away without a scratch from accidents where the other person is on a stretcher, or worse. I also have no filter, as I have mentioned here before, and will say what is really on my mind if I have a few drinks. I also get what I like to call, Drunk Brave. I call, email, text, smoke signal, etc. females I know have no interest in me, but who DBSR (Drunk Brave Steve Rogers) knows non DB Steve Rogers has been attracted to. It is not pretty. I will just say that NYE I sent 2 DB texts and I woke up with the horror of having to write and say how sorry I was. (Thanks to both of you for not making me feel like a total douche) 2 is my limit and I forget who made them for me, but they were quite strong.

I was enjoying drunken, or almost drunk Karaoke, and the strange tribal line dancing that happens when people gather (not much of a dancer either. I hear Adam Ant in my head, “You don’t drink, you don’t smoke, what do you do?”), but in the back of my mind I was thinking about midnight. For years I was married and we never went out on New Years. Hell, there were some years where we didn’t even stay awake to see the ball drop(both ways..sorry once again). And I wanted a kiss (or something more) at midnight. I felt I deserved it, and I wasn’t gonna get it at the party…so I left and went to FWB’s place.