“Make a pledge to yourself…”

     A friend (name redacted by his request) sent me a text during the Super Bowl. “Make a pledge to yourself tom that you will totally forget about women for a month. After that month you can reevaluate”.(exactly as sent…typos and all)

     Why would I want to take time off when things are going sooo friggin well? I mean, I went 15 years without thinking about any kind of sex with any woman at all, but that was my first marriage (badumppum). Shout out to the first ex Mrs. Cole…Whatup Byotch???? Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your weight staff.

     But seriously, since becoming single over a year ago I have had some pretty varied results with the opposite sex. I have been in lust a few times, had a one night (day) stand and also dumped and been dumped. It has been fun, not fun, hurtful, silly, awesome and horrible and sometimes a combination of all. It has never been boring. I hear Aerosmith in my head, “Life’s a journey, not a destination. And you just can’t tell, just what tomorrow will bring”.

     Contrary to what (name redacted by his request) thinks, I am not looking for a relationship. What I really want is someone to do things with. Walk in the park. Go to the zoo. Drink an overpriced beverage at Seattle based caffeinated beverage establishment. Go to the movies. I also am looking for someone that will let me put just the tip in every once in a while. Is that too much to ask America?????

     I have been in long term relationships for more of my life than I have not. Thank you for that ex #1 & 2. It was not all bad and i wish us all well. Well maybe #2 more than #1…but that is a story for another day. A long time from now. When the restraining order has lapsed or the gag order is no longer in place..but I digress…I really want to have someone that knows when to go home, and isnt afraid to tell me when it is time for me to go too.

     I know she exists. I know people that have a similar model, it just seems when I go looking, all those are out of stock. “Can I get a raincheck for the hot brunette, with or without aftermarket upgrades, that can cook, like Harry Potter almost as much as I do (last movie comes out soon…sadness creeping in), can talk about that she REALLY thinks and can be ok with me not always having an answer to “What are you thinking”?”  I’m thinking about the putting the tip in again…don’t start crying now, you asked sweetheart.

     So, can I go a month without thinking about a woman? Probably not. I have a person I work with that I have been attracted to for 7 months now. I have a name for her, MM, but I am holding off writing her story because she might change her mind and decide to go out with me. There is someone I would like to see and be seen with that has no idea I am interested in her (she might be too hot) and there is also someone I met online and went to dinner with a week ago. I could say that I like the way things are, but I don’t lie. They could be better…just let me put the tip in….just the tip.

No Coupon Moment today. I don’t want her to get real mad at me. A little mad, ok. She deserves it for my birthday fiasco, but at the end of the day Coupon is a good person. To quote Judd Nelson from the Breakfast Club, “demented and sad, but social”.