Leather Face

Since I was moving to a new town, not to mention another state, I joined an online dating site. If you have never done it, I highly recommend not doing it. There is no rejection like that of an online dating service.  For every 20 emails you send out, you will be lucky to get one response, and it is usually a computer generated “no thank you” with an inspiration “don’t be discouraged” message that is sure to lift your spirits. NOT! (Hey Borat, that is what the NOT joke is supposed to sound like)

There are a bunch of questions they ask to determine your “personality” and to help set your “preferences”.  I PREFER BRUNETTES!!! End of my list. No further questions necessary. Well, maybe there needs to be additional criteria in the narrowing process. 2 arms, 2 legs, hair and most of their fingers. What? A man has to have standards.

So, when I moved to Jacksonville, one of the first dates I went on was with Leather Face (LF). She was so tan she made Snookie look like an albino. She was almost as orange as an Oompa Loompa, and on the day of our “One & Done” date, she was laying out in the sun early in the morning. Why someone would want their skin to be cured like a slice of Beef Jerky is beyond me, but Florida seems to be a hotbed of skin related disorders waiting to happen. Before I go much further, I should explain the “One & Done”.

The “One & Done” is my term for a dating experience that lasts one day, and thankfully, no longer. In my experience, they are usually not something that both participants are in agreement on. I can tell you that most of mine have ended because I chose to take the blue pill (to quote Morpheus “This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill — the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill — you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.”) There were a few times where the blue pill was forced upon me, but LF was not one of those cases.

I met her online and we spoke for a week or so before I finally decided I wanted to see if there was anything beyond our ability to hold each others interest in a half hour phone conversation or a text/email exchange. I am not good with foreshadowing, so I will tell you right now, there wasn’t.

I picked the restaurant, Mellow Mushroom in Tinseltown, as it is a hold over from my Atlanta days and has the best tasting crust outside of New York. I arrived early, as is my norm, and began the waiting game. Every time the door opened, I (trying to look casual) slowly glanced at the door. She was a little late, a Bozo no-no as far as I am concerned. Timeliness is next to (fill in the deity of your preference)-liness. I was on my second drink refill by the time she arrived and had to pee something awful.

She was shorter than I had guessed and definitely more orange than anyone should be on this planet. To make matters worse, I think she was wearing a light tan pair of shorts and the same color shirt. She gave me a quick hug and looked at the menu for about 2 seconds when the waiter, tired of watching my swivel-head routine, arrived to take her drink order. She kind of hemmed and hawed and I realized she wanted a beer and saw I was drinking iced tea. We had the awkward, “I am not much of a drinker, but feel free” conversation on the phone, and I really don’t mind dating someone that drinks. I’m not a 12 stepper, it simply isn’t my thing. I don’t have much of a filter on my mouth sober. Imagine if I was a few Captain and Coke’s in. Not a pretty picture I assure you. I told her to order what she wanted and she ordered some type of local microbrew with a shark on the label and a name from a SNL skit from the 70’s.

We ate and made pleasant conversation. I had not yet decided which pill I would accept, so we decided to go see a movie next door. If you have never been to a movie on a first date, as with the online dating, I highly recommend not doing it. Think about it people..what are you told before every movie…SHHHHHHHHHH and turn off your cell phone. How are you supposed to learn more than you did at lunch sitting next to someone in relative silence for 2 hours? Well, go see a stupid Adam Sandler movie of course.

Now I like Adam Sandler as much as the next guy, but GROWN UPS was one of his worst movies by far. Don’t flame me, I am entitled to my opinion and since you are in my house (or blog) my opinion carries more weight than yours does. Live with it! If you thought it was funny maybe you should date LF, because she told me after she had not laughed so much in years. WOW!!!!

I blue-pilled and sent the “I really appreciated meeting you but….” email that always follows the “One & Done” and called it a date.

AND NOW FOR TODAYS COUPON MOMENT:
Coupon has a germ thing. One of the first times she came over my apartment, as soon as we walked in the door she said, “Go wash your hands”. I looked at her like I smelt a fart and tried to raise one eye brow Dwayne” The Rock” Johnson style. She said it again and when I asked why she told me that there are germs all over the place and that I had touched the bar on the shopping cart at Publix. I’m pretty sure I looked her straight in the eyes and licked my hands. Tip of the iceberg people.