I decided to tell the birthday story. Looking back it is one of the best Coupon stories and I probably should save it for a special occasion, but since your hero had a tough time last week, what better way to get out of the dumps that by laughing at my friend Coupon. Remember Coupon, you said it was ok.
So my birthday was in January. Being my first single birthday in over 25 years I expected it to be like a scene out of Caligula or at least a mediocre adult film from the 80’s. I was treated instead to something akin to a Monster Truck Rally that didn’t have enough mud or trucks and no one was injured in when Bigfoot blows a wing nut valve or some such nonsense and careens into the stands. Oh, but don’t fear, it was a truck wreck on a level I never thought possible. Trust and believe!!!!
Being the social butterfly I am, I had a couple people say they wanted to take me out for my birthday (and yes Timmy both were females). One is a new friend (only because she is in a relationship. As soon as that ends and I figure it out, I’m in there) that was in one of my classes. We go to the movies every couple weeks and she is a person that gives it to me straight. “She is not into you at all” or “Please don’t ever wear that shirt with me again”. Yeah, TA is a straight shooter all the way. The other invite was from a lady I also work with that I have been interested in since the day I started here in Jax. She is also the one TA is refereeing to above as not being into me and I know she is right…but I remain ever hopeful.
She has a few nicknames but the best was created by the naming guru that came up with Coupon, Orange Vest & Esther 2.0 to name a few, MM (stands for mixed message as she says she just wants to be friends, but her body language is saying something else according to him). Since then we have talked it out and I have accepted that we are better as being friends. This way I have a friend for a long time. With my history of turn and burn relationships lately, she would be hating me by now if we were to date. It might be worth losing her as a friend to take a chance, but that decision has been made for me. (To put a visual on her picture Angela from the Office, but with a way better attitude and a much better body).
Anyway both asked me to go out for my birthday and as it happened I started seeing RN, we will get to her story in a little while. Waiting until I know she will be able to see it and feel my venom, and she also was in contention for the birthday dinner sweepstakes. It was looking like I would be able to pick and choose and if I played my cards right, maybe stagger a couple of these special ladies out and eat on someone else’s dime for a couple days at least. Sadly, that was not to happen. Enter Coupon (Sing the Metallica sound Enter Sandman, but replace Sandman with Coupon. It will make you smile).
I received a call from Coupon on my birthday reminding me that I had told her we could go out for my birthday. “A deal is a deal Tom”, she said. I told her about the other offers, my desire to go to Mellow Mushroom (which if you have one near you and you have not partaken, run, don’t walk people). Coupon being Coupon she said we could go for pizza but she had a coupon and this would allow me to try something new (read as “not what you want for your birthday dinner”). She said we had to spend at least $50, and I assumed that meant she had a gift certificate for $50. You all know what happened when you assume, I assume(hehehe)? Well that is exactly what happened to me.
So Coupon tells me where the place is, I have never been in this area before, and as always with my stellar sense of direction and crappy Google Map GPS on my BlackBerry, I got lost. I was talking to RN and she was telling me how there is no such thing as a female friend, especially if you once dated, as Coupon and I did. She was of the opinion that Coupon was just awaiting the signal from the coach and she would be back “in the game’ as it were. More than one person has proffered this opinion, which I always discount. “We tried it, it didn’t work, and we are just friends. Nothing more, ever.” SURE!!!!! And this day would test that friendship on so many levels before it ended, but I don’t want to get ahead of myself.
So I get there at the same exact time as the CouponMobile. This car makes the Hong Kong Phooey Mobile look like a Ferrari. It is really quite the jalopy. She has her 2 kids with her and I am honestly excited. Her son thinks I walk on water and her daughter flip flops between me having a huge nose and being a “butt” and being sorry for everything mean she has said (my nose is a travesty in all honest) and loving me (not the same way she loves Justin Bieber, but before the hair cut I am sure). The Couponettes love them some Tom…except when they don’t. I guess we would see how this would go.
We go in and there is one other group at a table besides us. There was a jumbo screen TV covering one wall and it was playing UFC Unleashed, kind of like a best of show featuring the best fights of a certain fighter. AWESOMENESS!!!! There is little I like better than pizza, a large glass of sweet tea and some male on male grappling. Wait… that came out wrong. Anyway, I digress. So Coupon and I decide to split a pizza. Kid #1 decides he wants Cheese sticks as an appetizer and wings for dinner. Kid #2 (that’s right, I’m calling you poop) wanted the same appetizer and wanted a Philly Cheese Steak. Mom was not having it.
Coupon began to argue with thing 1 & thing 2 in an attempt to get them to share an appetizer. I knew it wasn’t going to happen, so she should have as well. I don’t think it matters to her. I really think she just likes to raise her voice. We figure out that the shared appetizer isn’t going to happen. The kids order drinks and Coupon tells the waitress, “no lids and no straws”. Did I forget to mention that Coupon is trying to singlehandedly save the world from Armageddon? She actually believes Al Gore and that Manbearpig is coming to destroy the town of South Park…and she is super serial!!!! (once again, Google it). I make a point of telling the waitress I will have both a lid and a straw which creates a storm of ME TOO’s from things 1&2. I laugh like a maniac on the inside as I know I have started the cycle of the downward spiral and I cannot wait to see where it goes. Dummy.
So the appetizers come and Coupon snatches a cheese stick that makes thing 1 (or was it 2. I forget which is which at this point and it really doesn’t matter from here on out). She then snatches another from the other thing. They are now covering their food like a nerdy kid in Geometry class during final exams. I find this hilarious as, being a child, nothing is really yours. If you didn’t work for the money to buy whatever that thing is, it is not yours. End of story. So Coupon continues to snatch food from their plates and they continue to reach in kind. It ceases to be funny after a while. Finally the main courses arrive and I can begin this birthday extravaganza. You didn’t forget that this was my birthday did you? And did I get an appetizer? Nope.
So we begin to eat the pizza. It was ok. Not Mellow Mushroom quality and nothing you can’t get at no less that 20 places between my house and wherever the heck I was currently. Thing #1 said her sandwich was not good. Coupon attempted to decipher what was wrong but all she could get was “I don’t like it. It is horrible”. Love thing #1. Coupon continues to ask and trying to separate the components of the sandwich into its parts in order to get her to eat it. That was a no go. The kids are yelling. Coupon was yelling and my eye began to twitch just a little. This was not going as planned. Well, not my plan anyway.
SO the bill comes. Remember it is my birthday and Coupon said we needed to spend “at least $50”. The bill comes and it is just over $40. Coupon says we need to spend more. I am thinking she is being cheap and wants to get her full $50 from the gift certificate. She tells thing 1&2 they need to order something so they decide on zeppoles. Well actually they decided on 2 because there was no way they were going to split a desert. And thing 2 decides he needs a bottle coda to drink with his desert. Whose birthday was it again? That’s right, mine. Did I get a desert? Nope. Did I get a special bottle soda? Nope. I was just happy I didn’t kill one of the Coupon clan during the shouting over the non eaten sandwich or the non shared appetizers or the non shared deserts. I watched the UFC, ate my substandard pizza and smiled my silly little self into a sweet tea and pizza coma. So now the bill is @ $53. Coupon now pulls out the paper for her gift certificate and puts it in the stupid sticky plastic folding check covery thingy and hands it to the waitress.
Now, Coupon and I have talked many times about her stupid coupons and how she should tell the waitress before the bill is printed. I have managed restaurants and know what sometimes it is best to know there is some special deal coming their way. She always tells me the coupon doesn’t state she needs to do this, therefore she isn’t. (such is a typical interaction with my friend Coupon). This time was just like many others and the waitress said out loud that we should have told her before the ticket was rung up and now she would have to zero the whole thing out and start over. Coupon couldn’t have cared less. (and I know how much you love that saying Coupon. hehehe). The check finally arrives and I assume it is for $3. We are asked who gets it and I point to Coupon. I stand and watch a little more man grappling. Coupon calls me over and in a whisper, with the aforementioned check thingy in her hand, asks me if I can pay the bill and she will get it back to me later.
Seriously? I have to pay the $3 for my birthday dinner? I don’t get to eat at the place I want? I don’t get to eat with MM or TA, or even RN? I’m with Coupon and thing 1&2, I didn’t get desert and I have to pay? TYPICAL. She tells me that she had to pay this and that, and it is a short week at school, Coupon is a substitute teacher, and next week will be as well, but she will pay me back as soon as she gets a full week pay. I take the check thingy and open it. The bill is almost $30. Apparently the gift certificate for $50 was not that but a coupon for $25 off of $50 or more. I am furious. If you know me, you are aware I do not have a poker face. It must have been obvious I was about to snap. She kept saying how sorry she was, blahblahblah. I didn’t want to hear anything from her. I put my credit card in the thingy and handed it to the waitress and walked a few steps away so as not to stab anyone with a piece of the cheap, dollar store cutlery.
The waitress returns and I add the tip, rounding the total to an exact dollar amount, kinda my way of proving my sanity like Roy Scheider in Blue Thunder (rent it). Coupon is watching me total the bill and she reaches into her purse and pulls out her last 3 dollars and places them on the table right in front of me. I absolutely lose it. “Not only do I not get to go where I want. Not only do I not get desert on my friggin birthday. Not only do I not get to go with someone that I might have a chance of a birthday kiss that involves a little tongue. Not only did I have to pay for this crappy dinner at a place I would never eat at, but now you are judging how much tip I leave the waitress. You are gonna save the day with your $3?” I picked up her money, tossed it to her and pulled the last dollars out of my wallet and drop it on the table and leave. We didn’t talk for weeks. She called right away and said how sorry she was but I could care less (there it is again Coupon).
We have since mended that fence, but I will tell you that I have yet to receive the money and no one blew out my birthday candle that night.
Coupon rebuttal-
If Tom had had dinner plans with a Harem, believe me- I would have just as soon have gone home that night! I called Tom about 530P as I left my pediatrician and he said he did not have dinner plans with anyone else- so I said we would meet him. We were on our way back from an emergency trip to our doctor who used to be around the block from us, but moved up to Dunn Ave. which is about 20 minutes above downtown. Thing 1 had a bad rash, which turned out to be shingles. I had had enough money when I left my house to pay for dinner, as I was expecting just one copay. But when we got to the Dr. she said my son needed an exam, too, and so I hadn't been expecting to pay for two copays and three prescriptions that night of an antibiotic, pain reliever, and skin cream.
As for the restaurant choice -in my defense- I had eaten at the other Abe's Pizza near me- which was really nice, new and big, which I expected this place to be as well- but to my chagrin- it was not. I figured the pizza would be good, because the other Abe's by me was good, as I don't like to judge a place's food soley by the decor, and it was decent pizza. Not as good as the Mellow Mushroom, which is fairly good. But Mellow Mushroom is not the "be all, end all" of pizza as he believes. Dinner did go pretty much as he described. The part about him not getting dessert on his birthday is flat out ridiculous- he is a grown man and could have ordered it if he wanted it. I think the real problem was they had a limited selection of Italian desserts (they did not have ice cream- just cannoli and zepole) and Tom has the most unsophisticated palate of anyone over the age of two I've ever met. He is worse than a 2 year old with his pickiness over what he eats. He can also be a bit paranoid and belligerent, but leaving an extra tip was not a comment on his being cheap- I just felt the waitress needed my last $3 in cash more than I did- the place had been dead that night.
Tom does, however, need to get himself checked for early onset Alzheimer's, because I DID OFFER HIM the money when we were out to dinner last month (the New Orlean's Cafe) but he refused to take it. On that evening, I had another coupon (of course) which was for $25 with no additional purchase required. So not only did he refuse to take the repayment money, he let me keep the change from the $20 he gave me for his share of the bill- he is a very generous, albeit easily annoyed, person!
The whole time I read your blog I was thinking "Did anyone blow out your birthday candle and you ended your story with that same quote.
Great minds think alike.
LMAO.. wow.. so not only did you have to pay for dinner but no candle blowout..LMAP that is horrific..
Also, I think that Coupon should have atleast been up front about the money situation when she offered to go out to eat. Clearly she knew prior to going out that she did not have the money and then to let the kids order all sorts of stuff was very inconsiderate.
In the words of Riley Freeman "Where they do that at?"
Very funny story though.. I bet you'll think twice next time. hehehee